girl. daughter. sister. friend.
those are the obvious bits.
i’m a dancer. have always danced. will always dance. but, am currently only sometimes dancing. this gets confusing to others, to me. i used to find myself in the studio so often that it felt like home, i’m looking for a way back there.
i have an eating disorder. anorexia, to be precise. i will probably always have an eating disorder, it’s just not something that i believe goes away completely. it has destroyed parts of my life. right now, i’m trying to keep it from making a complete mess of what i have left. they, the professionals helping me, call it recovery. i’m not sure what i call it anymore.
i teach four and five year olds, they teach me. it’s a strange partnership, but incredibly rewarding. they want to know so many things that i can teach them, but what they don’t realize is that they already know so much. they know the really important things that this business of “growing up” seems to make so many, including me, forget. they help me remember.
i read books. i start things and sometimes finish them. i’m a little ocdish about a lot of things. i try to make sense of the world. i don’t like making mistakes, but i do anyway. i go on walks. i drink too much coffee. i work hard not to take things for granted. i trust God, sometimes. at night, i come home to my faithful, forgiving dog and crawl under the covers with him at my feet. i draw pictures, i paint on canvases, apparently i’m reasonably talented, i’m not sure, i just move the pens and paintbrushes around until it makes something, that looks like something, that feels right somehow. i’m often a walking contradiction, balancing two polar opposites at the same time.
there is a lot about who i am that i’m still discovering, that i haven’t put into words here. a few years back i was just a dancer. plain, simple, commanding. i think that i had even forgotten that i was also the things that seemed obvious to everyone else, easy defining words — girl. daughter. sister. friend. human. that last bit is the one i forget the most, even now. human. imperfect. but, aren’t we all?
