ramblings February 9, 2008

she saw life through her rearview mirror. always checking behind her to make sure she hadn’t accidently hit anything.

she wanted to get on with her life, already. and she didn’t want to do everything that was messy and endless before she began.  she wanted to go, now, before anything else stopped her. but she wasn’t sure where to go or how to skip all the messy parts she disliked so much. 

she thought that if she took more than one step at a time, she’d get there faster. but, instead, she just got tired, missed a few too many stairs along the way, tripped over her own feet and ended up flat on her face, not quite at the bottom again.  after that she couldn’t quite find her footing and even one step at a time seemed like just about one too many stairs at a time, like all of the time.  and so she wasn’t quite sure how she was going to start climbing again. 

couldn’t understand February 9, 2008

she had had lots of answers once. to big questions. like why babies die and why children end up in horrible families and why really bad things happen to nice people.  she still had answers to things like that.  but she couldn’t figure out why having the answers didn’t make any of it any better.  that’s what she couldn’t quite explain.

it was just too damn complicated, she thought.  and she didn’t think there was enough coffee in the world to sort this problem out in her head.

this life February 9, 2008

she had this life that had been taken from her. not one piece at a time, but all the pieces of it, poof, gone, vanished, into the thin air, all at once.  she wanted it back, undamaged.  but she didnt’t have any idea where to begin looking for things that had disappeared like that.  she couldn’t even explain how it had happened.  and she was afraid that you couldn’t file a missing life report with the local police department.